


What The Hell Have I

by ShameInYou



Series: Layne Staley and Shannon Hoon [5]
Category: Alice in Chains, Blind Melon
Genre: Angst, Drama, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-29
Updated: 2014-08-29
Packaged: 2018-02-15 08:12:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2221863
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShameInYou/pseuds/ShameInYou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I hate myself. Would you still love me if I didn't have this long hair?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	What The Hell Have I

_Shannon's POV_

Have you ever had one of those moments in your life where you look back on the things you've done and you want to move forward? I was having one of those nights on my band's tour bus, crammed by myself in the nook and cranny bathroom, staring at myself in the mirror. Maybe it was the mushrooms I had just ate, or maybe I was being legit. I stared at every inch of skin on my face. I looked into the mirror, my nose pressed against it, staring into my own blue eyes, trying to figure myself out.

I had my small boombox on the counter beside the sink, listening to some of my band's demos. "Glitch" was busting out of the little speakers.

I backed away from the mirror, running my hands over my face, pulling the skin, my eyelids being pulled down, the red meat exposed as I stared in the mirror. I pulled my cheeks as if I could pull my skin off.

The drum beat to the song, even though the boombox was so small, I felt like it was beating through my soul. I ran my fingers through my long hair. My long hair that my husband, Layne Staley loved so much. I squinted my eyes and tilted my head as I pulled on a handful of my hair, like I could pull it out.

I held my left hand up, staring at the intricate design of two koi fishes on my black titanium wedding band that Layne had given me. He knew i liked koi fish. I took it off and held it close to my eye, looking through the band and into the mirror. I put it back on my finger. It fit perfectly.

I was so high. I put my hands on the edge of the counter and bent slightly. I looked in the mirror, I could see Layne behind me, fucking me and looking at me in the mirror. I put my hand on the mirror and laughed, looking down in the sink, my hair so long it touched the bottom of the sink. I stood back up straight.

I had on a tank top. It was my thing now. Things had changed on this tour. This was the last tour for our ever long first album. I was so sick of it. The bee song is what they called No Rain. They always associated the album with that song. I was so sick of it. I was ready to mold, to change, to set myself free of this.

I ran my hand over the cockroach necklace I had tattooed on my skin. Layne was going to flip. I hadn't told him I had gotten new tattoos.

I smiled. I missed my husband. We had been on tour for this stupid album for 6 months straight. I hadn't seen him in a while. We were always jerking off over the phone to each others voices or always just having rushed phone calls. I missed sharing a bed.

My smile faded as "Glitch" went off and "Swallowed" had come on. That was another one of our demos for our next album. I stared in the mirror. The lyrics to the song brought me back to the point.

I stared in the mirror, listening to the song. I was feeling lonely at the moment, and no one understood how I felt.

I looked into the mirror and laughed maniacally. I pulled at the skin on my face. I could feel my eyes tear up as I laughed for no reason, staring at myself.

The laughing started turning to actual crying.

"I hate myself. I hate you!" I said into the mirror.

I tugged at my hair.

"Would you still love me if I didn't have this long hair? This doesn't define me. This is not what I want to continue being!"

I grabbed the big kitchen scissors I had brought in there with me. I sobbed as I looked in the mirror and began to chop my long locks off, throwing the long hair in the trash. Throwing away a piece of me that I would never go back to.

Once I was done, I ran my fingers through the shitty haircut I had just given myself. My hair was all sorts of lengths. I looked into the mirror, tears pouring down my face.

I was tripping major balls that night.

What had I done to myself?

* * *

"I can't believe you cut your damn hair off!" Chris exclaimed as I purchased a hat to wear over my head.

As if my life wasn't worse. The guys kept staring at me funny. Layne was going to hate me.

I should not have ate those god damned mushrooms last night. I hated the way I looked. My hair was horrible. I had went to a hair dresser to try and salvage what hair I had left on my head. The person cut the rest of my hair even, in layers going down my head. My bangs still parted, and they curled over my big forehead. My forehead looked huge without my long hair to frame it. I hated my neck. My head felt so light without my long hair. I stuffed my new beige hat onto my head.

The more I thought about Layne, the more scared I became. My long hair, he loved it. He was always sniffing it, playing in it. I tried to rack my brain as to why I did what I did last night. I was high, but the truth was, I was feeling the way I felt last night, sober.

I had begun to despise my long locks. People were always calling me the bee guy. I was sick of it. I had a sick thought in my mind that I had wanted to test Layne. Would he love me without the long hair? What would he think of me? The closer we got to home, the more terrified I became. I don't think I would be able to face Layne just yet. I hadn't talked to him in the past 2 days.

"Chris?" I asked as we piled into a Seattle taxi.

"Hmm?" He asked.

"You mind if I crash at your place for a few days?" I asked, a sad look on my face.

It was sort of hard to smile right about then.

Chris furrowed his brows.

"Don't you think you need to head on home and catch up with your hubby? Haven't we seen enough of each other for right now?" Chris smirked.

"I don't want to go home just yet." I said looking down, pulling on my hat like it could cover my whole head.

"Are you sure this is a good idea?" Chris asked.

I shrugged.

* * *

I stared at Chris's phone. What the fuck was I doing? Why didn't I just go on home? I picked it up and dialed my home number.

"Shanny?" He answered, not even letting it ring 2 times.

His smooth voice soothed me, but I still had that nagging doubt in the back of my head that everything was not going to be okay.

"Layne?" I said lowly.

"Baby where are you? Are you getting in soon? I want to take you out to-"

"Layne..." I said again, interrupting him.

"What?" He asked.

I was silent. Why did I crave this drama? Why was I doing this? I just had to see how much he loved me.

"I'm not coming home tonight." I said in a low voice.

There was silence on the other end. I wondered what was going through Layne's mind.

"Layne?" I asked.

"What do you mean your not coming home tonight? Where are you?" Layne asked lowly.

"I don't want to tell you Layne. I just need to be alone right now." I replied.

"Shannon what the hell do you mean? We just spoke on the phone a few days ago and you sounded happy like you couldn't wait to see me. I don't understand. Come home." Layne's voice sounded weird.

"I'm not ready to come home yet Layne. I don't want you to see me right now."

There was silence on the other end and then Layne's quivering voice sounded.

"I don't understand this Shannon. What the fuck is going on? Why can't I see you? I fucking miss you. Why are you doing this?"

I bit my lip. I was going to hell for doing this. My soul wouldn't be satisfied until I put him through this test.

"I'm just so fucked up Layne. I'm not feeling very good about myself at the moment."

I was going to cry myself.

"...are...did you cheat on me or something?"

Layne was crying. I could hear it in his voice. My stomach turned. I really am a fucked up individual.

"No...no. I would never cheat on you. I fucking love you so much." I said lowly into the phone.

"Just please tell me what it is. Come home Shannon. We're fucking married for christ's sake. I want to see my husband. Stop doing this and just come home. Whatever it is, it will be okay."

Layne sounded desperate.

"Baby, I just can't right now. Just. Please try to understand. I can't." I sniffled a little bit.

"Shannon, your breaking my heart here. When are you going to come home?" Layne sobbed lightly on the other end.

"I don't know, in a couple of days maybe." I said lowly.

"Don't you miss me?" Layne cried.

"Yes. Of course, I fucking miss you so much." I sobbed.

"I don't understand. Shannon did I do something? What did I do? I haven't done anything babe. Your the only one for me, I married you so I could make you mine. I would NEVER cheat on you." Layne cried.

I sniffled and wiped my eyes. He must have been trying to rack his brain for anything that he thought might be possibly wrong with me.

"I know you wouldn't cheat on me. I don't think that, I promise. It's not that." I sniffled. "I just need some alone time. I'm sorry baby."

"Couldn't you be alone here in our bedroom? I wouldn't come in, I'd stay downstairs and let you be alone. As long as your here, that's all that matters. Shannon please..." Layne cried.

"Layne I just can't right now. I need to go okay. I just wanted to call you and let you know that I'm alright, well, sort of, to let you know I'm here." I stammered.

"Your in the city?" Layne sniffled.

"Yeah. But I'm not telling you where. I just need to be alone right now." I pouted.

"Shannon, your fucking scaring me. Please come home. Stop doing this..." Layne begged.

I had him scared as hell. Deep down I enjoyed it. It gave me a sense of solace, to know that he cared this deeply about me. That his world would be turned upside down without me. I was so fucked up.

"Layne, bye baby."

I hung up the phone and put my hands to my face. Chris was standing in the doorway.

"Shannon, why are you doing that to him?"

"What?" I asked looking over at him and sniffling.

"Why are you scaring Layne like that? Why don't you just go home?" Chris asked, arms crossed.

"I just don't want him to see my hair yet." I said, looking down.

"That's pretty fucked up how you're fucking with his head. He's in love with you. When I see you two together, I can see it all on his face. He won't look at anything else but you Shannon. You're lucky to have something like that. Not everyone has that. Don't take it for granted."

Chris walked off somewhere in the house. I sat there and blinked.

I stripped down to my boxers and socks and ran my hand through my short hair. I jumped into the bed in Chris's guest bedroom in his house and flipped on the tv, trying to find something to watch to take my mind off of what I've done.

* * *

_2 Days Later_

I sat by the phone in Chris' living room. I had my suitcase by my legs. I began to wonder if I had let this thing drag out for too long. I hadn't spoken to my hubby in 2 days.

I hesitated, then picked up the phone and dialed my home number. It rang and rang and rang but no one picked up. I put the phone down and sighed. I sat there and waited for a few minutes, and then I dialed again.

"Shannon!" I heard a breathless voice answer the phone.

He had barely let it ring.

"Layne?" I asked softly.

"It's me baby...I'm so glad you called a second time...I was in the bathroom...I didn't hear the phone the first time..." Layne rambled.

"I want to go home." I said, voice quavering.

It was true.

"Well then come home!" Layne exclaimed.

"Are you mad at me?" I began to cry.

"No, I'm not mad. I just want you to come home Shannon. You come home, and we can talk about what's going on. We can work it out."

He had that desperate tone again.

"If I were you, I'd be mad at me." I sniffled, wiping my eyes.

"Shannon, listen to me, I am not mad at you. I just want you to come home!" Layne exclaimed.

"Are you just saying that so I will come home and then when I get there, you're gonna unload on me?" I wined into the phone.

Layne sighed.

"NO! Shannon I don't know what the hell is going on with you, but I fucking love you! I'm fucking begging you, god please come back home! Enough of this shit! Do I have to go walk the streets and find you!? Stop doing this, you're killing me!" Layne screamed into the phone.

"I'm coming home." I replied.

"You promise?" Layne sniffled on the other end.

"Yeah. But don't meet me at the bus stop, okay?" I asked.

I knew Layne, he would be waiting for me literally at the door of the bus. I didn't want to see him react to the changes on my body in public.

"I love you so much, you know that right? You know I love you more then I love myself?" Layne said desperately.

"I know. I love you like that too." I smiled.

"I'm gonna get going. I'll be home soon."

"See you in a few minutes." Layne replied.

I waited to see if he would hang up first. I heard breathing and sniffling on the other end.

Suddenly we said hello at the same time. We laughed lightly.

"I'll hang up first so you can get going." Layne sniffled.

"Okay." I smiled.

We said bye one more time and then Layne hung up, and then myself.

I checked myself in a mirror that Chris had hanging on his wall. I had applied eyeliner under my eyes in an attempt to gain back any femininity that I had destroyed when I chopped my locks off. I wore my black tight tank top so Layne would be able to see my new tats.

I put my coat on over it.

I left and closed the door behind me.

* * *

I dragged my suitcase along as I got off of the bus. I put my hood over my head and pulled the strings so it would stay. I dragged the suitcase down the 2 blocks to the apartment I shared with Layne. As I got closer and closer, my heart started pounding in my chest.

I walked up to the door and before I could even open it, it flew open. I stared up at Layne.

Layne looked real tired. His eyes were red, but his face was still so perfect. We stared at each other for a minute.

I walked in, brushing by Layne. I set my suitcase down. Layne closed the door and then walked up to me.

"Your hair's purple." I smiled, pointing.

So I wasn't the only one who had done some changing. He had cut his hair real short. His curls were gone. His goatee was shaped different than the last time I saw him as well.

Layne wrapped his arms around me. I still had my hood on my head as we hugged each other. Layne sobbed into my shoulder.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm such an ass."

I felt guilty as hell.

"I'm relieved your home. When somethings wrong you need to come straight to me, not run away!" Layne sniffled.

He furrowed his brows.

"Why do you have your hood on? Take it off, I want to feel your skin." Layne sniffled reaching for my hood.

"No!" I exclaimed.

Layne jumped and looked at me with a sad look on his face.

Well, it was now or never.

"Baby. I have something to tell you." I started.

Layne was visibly shaking like I was going to break up with him or something.

"Layne calm down. C'mon, let's sit down." I replied, taking his hand and we sat down on the couch.

"Shannon what are you trying to tell me?" Layne asked, holding my hands in his.

I looked down as I pulled away from him and unzipped my coat slowly, then slowly pulling the hood off of my head and taking the coat off and throwing it to the floor. I crossed my arms around myself.

I couldn't bring my eyes to look at Layne, but I heard him gasp when I took my hood off.

Layne wasn't saying anything. I couldn't look at him. I put my face in my hands.

"It's ugly. I know it. I understand if you're repulsed by me now." I sobbed.

I felt Layne's hands wrap around my wrists. I peeked a wet eye through my fingers. Layne had a loving smile on his face. I slowly pulled my hands away from my face and wiped my eyes, my eyeliner was probably running now.

"You cut your hair..." Layne was amazed as he ran his fingers through my short choppy locks.

"Why?" He asked.

I shrugged.

"I was tired of that persona that I was being stapled to. The happy hippy guy who sings the bee song with the long hair." I sniffled.

"I understand." Layne said softly.

"This is all stupid, I know it. I wouldn't blame you for being pissed at me. I know I hurt you real bad. I just can't do anything right!" I sobbed.

Layne had slid closer to me, wrapping his arms around my waist.

"So this is why you wouldn't come home, you were afraid that I'd be mad about your hair?" Layne asked.

"MMM HMM." I sobbed and nodded. Felt good to finally admit it.

Layne sniffled.

"Shannon. I am in love with you, not your fucking hair. Not one fuck do I give about how you style your hair. I like your new haircut. You look so mature. You look sexy as hell." Layne smiled.

I couldn't believe he was being so nice to me after I'd hurt him.

"Layne, I'm so sorry for everything. I should have come straight home. I'm sorry I hurt you." I pleaded.

Layne picked up my hand that adorned my wedding ring and he kissed it.

"I forgive you. But just promise me you won't do anything like this again. Don't ever be afraid to talk to me. I would never judge you, I fucking love you."

Layne always had a way with words. I blushed and hugged him.

"Cock roaches hm. Interesting." Layne replied, tracing my tattoo that I had gotten around my neck.

"Your so beautiful." Layne sighed looking at me.

"I don't feel like it anymore." I pouted at Layne.

Layne traced the edge of my tank top. "You want me to make you feel beautiful?"

I smiled and nodded.

"C'mon." Layne smiled, standing up.

I followed him to our bedroom. I took all of my clothes off except for my boxers and jumped into bed. Layne, as always, got naked and laid down beside me.

I had a flashback in my mind of Layne on the phone, crying because I told him I wasn't coming home. I reached up and cupped the side of Layne's face. Layne smiled and touched my hand, looking down at me as he rested on his arm.

"Layne, I'm so fucking sorry I made you cry. I'm a horrible husband!" I wined.

"No you're not. Shannon I already told you I forgive you. I'm just glad you came home. I didn't know where you were, or what was going on. This was it."

Layne stroked my short hair.

"Shannon you have to stop running away from things. Haven't I always told you to face your problems?"

"Yes." I pouted looking up at him.

Layne leaned down and kissed my lips. "You live, you learn. By the way, where were you at anyway?"

"I was at Chris's house." I smiled.

"I knew it! I should have came down there and got you, but I wanted to respect your space." Layne smiled.

"Layne, you are so strong. How can you be so strong all the time? I'm always fucking up and you always stand by my side. I'm such a loser, I don't deserve you." I pouted.

"You are not a loser and anyone who says you are, I'll punch them in the fucking face. You make me strong. Shannon you're learning. You make mistakes and then you learn. Baby you were such a mess when we first started seeing each other, but you're getting better."

We kissed again.

"Oh yeah, how was I a mess?" I smirked.

"Oh you were so emotional about every little thing. You were always throwing tantrums, and I was the only one who could bring you out of it. Remember when you locked yourself in the dressing room down in Portland? Your boys called me and practically begged me to come down there. I dropped everything I was doing and drove for 2 hours to come and get you to come out. You were upset because the owner of the club had cut your set short or something. I came all the way down there and coaxed you out and we got to drive back home together. Do you remember that?"

"Yeah." I smiled, snuggling into Layne.

Layne smiled and began to kiss across the roach necklace tattoo across my collarbones. He moved back to my lips and we began to kiss.

I watched as Layne kissed down my body, sliding my boxers off and then moving back up and holding onto my hips and looking at me. I smiled down at him.

I realized this man would love me no matter what. Any doubt that I ever had had disappeared from my mind.

I knew I could trust him with every fiber of my being. I was his number one priority, as was he to me.

I promised myself I would never do anything to hurt him ever again. Layne was always pushing me to be a better person. Why hadn't I seen it before. I could openly self-loathe in front of him and he wouldn't judge me.

I loved him so fucking much it hurt.

I was finally back home, where my dumb ass should have been from the start.


End file.
